cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
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Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds