When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
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Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
He took my last fry, your honor
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*