What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
You Might Also Like
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Not messing around
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.