My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
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Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*