Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
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Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.