Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
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hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.