ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
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Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I’m literally crying
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.