Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
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Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
new record!
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.