Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
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Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets