My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
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When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
October already? What’s next? November????
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.