I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
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I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again