Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
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Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it