*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
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OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?