[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
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[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes