Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
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KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.