Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
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If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.