You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
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WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
yeah 😭
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”