the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
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Sell your car
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
So the ex texted me
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.