Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
You Might Also Like
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.