Here’s a meme
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Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked