Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
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I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Phonetics
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.