I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
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i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE