*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
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I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
A family that plays together cheats.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident