Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
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Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
My neck, my back, my…
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Flock of bats
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.