No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
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Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…