Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
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A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
dutch is not a serious language
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.