*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
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I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
What?
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?