*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
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It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.