My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
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Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
My favorite farside!!
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
i want the dreams to chase me for once
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.