Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
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Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first