“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
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If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.