Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
You Might Also Like
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
They did not miss in the small print
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Fights fire with marshmallows
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.