“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
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Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.