Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
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STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Flock of bats
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time