It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
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How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*