My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
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If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
🤣dope
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies