I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
You Might Also Like
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
pelicons
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.