7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
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How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
british sex workers really pound for pound
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying