I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
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Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Poetry is my passion
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
mood
Oh the world we live in…
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.