therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
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my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.