Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
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“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Does this dress make me look cat?
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time