My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
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My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs