The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
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karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”