Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
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if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.