You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
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When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
My blood type is b hungry.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this