I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
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I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on