*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
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You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
some Old Testament wisdom
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?