gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
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can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
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I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*