When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
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“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
<—- homeless romantic
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.