The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
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“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
こいつ天才
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM